Almost a decade ago a Berlin research institute looked for help in compiling scientific software for bioinformatics researchers. A systems engineer from Shanghai with a yearning for a simpler life answered the call. Little did he know that his long repressed infatuation with a quaint programming language would soon resurface, sparking his fantastically deterministic journey away from the traditions of the sysadmin tribe and just beyond the brink of the cutting edge.

This is the story of a quest for predictability, reproducibility, and stability through unpredictable means, ad-hoc hacks, and an embrace of the quirky. Based on actual events.

Keywords: research and HPC; Guix project infrastructure; round PiGx and square holes; Guix Workflow Language; the unreasonable allure of simple abstractions.